Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
respect
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
🤣😂🤣😂
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her