Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Seals are just dog mermaids.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
me irl
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours