Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.