Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Did…did a minotaur write this
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein