Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS