Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
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just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales