Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
LMAO.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan