Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
You Might Also Like
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.