Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.