Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
😭😭
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos