Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe