Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
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pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
fired
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
My beach vacation Google searches
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?