Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

😁

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.