Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?