Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

I love this❤️😁👍

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love