Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

idk what this dog had been going through but same

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

Never let them know your next move 😂

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.