kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
You Might Also Like
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Always 🥴
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird