Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
what day is it?
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER