Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
You Might Also Like
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.