Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
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Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Worth a try
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
the clam before the storm
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?