Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them