Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Saw this yesterday lol

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”