Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
a fate I wish upon no one
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.