Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
⛄️
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.