Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
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If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes