Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Good morning ☺️
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101