Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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These are too funny not to post 😂
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.