Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
paddle faster i hear baby shark
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.