Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

me: I miss handshakes

cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

I’m not saying I’m an idiot…

But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.