Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Lassie, get help!