1.Walking on manholes
2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: Table for four, please.
Me: Now, to get married & have two kids…
Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
I just taped the TV remote to my dogs back so I’ll never lose it again.
Your move Apple.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.