Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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Imma just leave this here…………
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit