Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

Fixed this for Shakespeare

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.