Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

I like donuts.

Twitter:

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Not yet
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT