Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
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“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.