Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.