Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used the label maker

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Not today, Satan.

Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.