“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁