“Kids, are you asleep?”


*turns off the wifi*


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It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.


People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save


I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato


Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What


If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”


PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him


Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.