Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
*turns off the wifi*
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Apparently there’s this Pokemon character that’s a pile of garbage with a face so now I’m famous I guess.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.