@Sanbel11

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

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@JKickinit30

It’s amazing when you hug someone you haven’t seen in decades. It’s also embarrassing when it’s not the person you thought it was.

@mrjohndarby

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

@minkpinkustink

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

@CourtneyBale

Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

@earthfalcon33

PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him

@jessicaabrownnn

Ok so last night a girl was crying in the toilets cause her ex got a lass pregnant who he cheated on her with, so me tryna make her feel better said “could be you tho and kids are awful u don’t want them” she looked me dead in the eye and said “I already have two kids”

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.