“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.