Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

It do be feeling this way.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me