Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*

Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.

Executive: Yawn. Boring.

Creator: They both have speech impediments.

Executive: I love it.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers

coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness