Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Need this in my life lol
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?