Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.