Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
He-man has a Masters degree
Yes my dude
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!