Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*