Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.