Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
You Might Also Like
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.