Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.