Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
become ungovernable
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.