Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.