Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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Practicing safe sax
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.