Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!