Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
October 31
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..