Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Saw online –
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide