Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
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Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Breaking news:
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD