Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
lol
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
LOL!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.