Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

I have questions??

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

I can’t stop laughing at this

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*