Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

iPhone X

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Why am I like this?

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top