Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me in tagged photos
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
How to walk around a museum
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider