Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
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I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”