Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
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Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.