Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
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“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
#JohnTravolta
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
he was correct
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus