Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
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When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
that lip filler tho
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
rebranding
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.