Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Just say no
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Extremely relatable.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????