Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.