Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Spider-cat: No One Home
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
#Caturday