Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs