Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
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Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.