Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.