Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Pot warmers of the day.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea