Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.

Can’t. About to go please some beans

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape