Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

I would like even faster food.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!