Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Our lord and savoury.
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word