Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
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They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My wedding will be open casket.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife