Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
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When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Canadian owl: Eh?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Only short people can save us
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
yeah 😭
