Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.