Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.