Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’m not stressed
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Hank is one in a melon.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.