Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.